


Script: Prohibition

by FreightTrainFrank



Category: Jake and Amir
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, Prohibition, Screenplay/Script Format, Smuggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 12:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6907375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreightTrainFrank/pseuds/FreightTrainFrank
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A script in the style of a Jake and Amir episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Script: Prohibition

(Jake walks in to see Amir wearing a picklhaube with three german crosses on it turned to resemble the x-es on an old fashioned moonshine jug. He's on the phone, talking with a bizarre combination of a german accent and an old-timey gangster voice.)

Amir: Ja, vill need our little boidees to sing, see?

Jake: I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but what the hell are you doing?

(Amir hangs up the phone)

Amir: Guten Tag, ya doity rat!

Jake: What is that even supposed to be an impression of?

Amir: It's called being a beer baron, Jake, und I reckon you better say out of it unless you want the cement shoes, you hear?

Jake: Stop doing that, I'm not sure it can even be called an accent.

Amir: Could you please not interrupt me, I've got to get 40 ounces smuggled into the country by the end of the day or Frankly Parsnips is gonna have my nuts in a jar!

Jake: Who's Frankly?

Amir: He's a lager lord. He ranks above a beer baron.

Jake: So you don't even know what a beer baron is.

Amir: I'm a bootlegger.

(Amir reaches under his desk and pulls up a boot with a severed leg sticking out of it, dropping it on his desk)

Amir: Yeah!

Jake: Where the hell did you get that?!

Amir: It's my job to smuggle in booze, without the authorities knowing.

Jake: Okay, one, prohibition ended like eighty years ago. Two, (gesturing to the bootleg) where the hell did you get that?!

Amir: Frankly gave it to me when I first joined the biz. I was just shitting in the public park when he came up to me and offered me 2 buckaroos to help him smuggle wines and beers.

Jake: That's not a lot of money. Assuming he actually exists, Frankly sounds like he's either insane or deliberately fucking with you.

Amir: Well, that's just for the first job. He promised me that over the years, I might be able to earn up to 5 buckaroos.

Jake: Get a better understanding of money.

Amir: So Frankly gives me these condoms fulla wine and tells me to sneak them across town without the coppers finding out.

Jake: Then you're not even a beer baron, you're just a drug mule.

Amir: HEE-HAW!

Jake: Is that agreeing with me?

Amir: None of the authorities have found out yet, all thanks to my special hiding place.

Jake: So you came into to work with several wine-filled condoms up your ass.

Amir: They're not in my ass, silly.

Jake: Then where are they?

Amir: Where do you think condoms go, genius?

(Jake thinks about what Amir said for a while before realizing)

Jake: Oh no, no! Come on, man. Do NOT tell me you-

Amir: Speaking of which, I think it's time to unload my illicit liquor and cash in.

(Amir reaches under his desk as the sound of pants unbuckling is heard. He raises both of his hands in a pinching motion and bends slightly as both of them go under the desk. You can't see what he's doing, but various disgusting noises are heard as he grits his teeth in pain, all the while Jake looks on in horror. Finally Amir, very pale at this point, triumphantly holds up a blood-soaked condom that's filled with wine.)

Amir (very weakly) Tah-dah!

Jake: Holy shit!

Amir: One down, nineteen to go!

Jake: How can you possibly have nineteen more?

Amir: Come down to my place tonight. (waves the condom) We'll have refreshments.

Jake: I am NOT drinking that.

Amir: Come on, it'll be fun, cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1929.

Jake: So you know it's not actually 1929.

(the phone rings)

Amir: That must be Frankly now.

(Amir picks up the phone)

Amir: Frankly Parsnips, as I die and asphyxiate.

Jake: Looking at all the blood on the floor, that's a distinct possibility.

Amir: Yes, that's right, I got the wine, the grape rubbers in. Yes, I will check my bank account now.

(Amir checks his computer)

Amir: Wait, there's nothing here! What about the two buckaroos? What do you mean they turned into fuckayous?

Jake: Trusting him really seems like a terrible idea, but really, you probably could have made more than two dollars doing your actual job.

Amir: Come on, you can't make me walk across town with a cooch full of hooch and then turn the tables on me like that! This isn't the black market!

Jake: You're right, it's not. Alcohol isn't illegal anymore.

Amir: (crying) Frankly, my dear, I DO give a damn!

END.


End file.
